We'd like to present a brief advertisement for one of the few companies
offering Testicular Implants in this day and age of FDA approvals and
liability suits.
"The shortage of testicular implants prompted me to found Nuts Were Us!, a company dedicated to offering the best in quality and novelty prostheses. I say this with pride because I'm not only the President, I'm a member with one nut!"
Call for our latest prices: (800) NAD-LESS Ask about our installment plan!
The "Party In Your Pants" Collection:
Magic 8 Ball - Great for parties! New sayings, such as: "Ask again... PLEASE!" "YES YES!"
The Laughing Bag - Imagine the surprise of your guests when they discover the source of this cackling laughter! Requires a 9-volt battery -- DO NOT USE IN THE BATH.
Googly-Eyes (for the totally nadless) - Realistic, bloodshot eyeballs, complete with springs, for the surprise of her life!
Jingle Ball - Fun for the holidays, or anytime you want to hear him coming.
Happy Fun Ball - As seen on Saturday Night Live. Remember: Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
The Pocket Billiards Collection:
New remov-a-ball technology allows you to change from solids to stripes whenever you choose. Collect all 15 plus the cue (stick not included).
Multi-function prostheses:
Ball and Chain - Actually a fully functional pocket watch! Featuring Indi-GLObe(tm) technology for night viewing.
Mixed Nuts (for the totally nadless) - Hey, sometimes you feel like a nut. Your choice of cashew, peanut, almond or brazil. Salt to taste.
The MAGNUT - A magnet that provides a convenient place for that hide-a-key. Warning: Do not approach large appliances.
Luxury Collection:
The Family Jewel - We have the balls to fit any size budget, from topaz to diamond solitaire. Great for the man who had everything!
The Pearl - For the Steinback fan. Sizes, of course, are Large, Medium, Small, and Minnie.
Bargain Basement: Order the following discontinued Items at rock bottom prices.
Fraggle Rock
Powerball
Rock of Ages
Rock of Gibraltar
GONAD 2000
Recall notices / other warnings:
Great Ball of Fire: This was simply a bad idea, and we apologize profusely. Although we claim no liability, we will accept all returns (ignited or not) for merchandise credit.
Balls of Steel: Not to be used in conjunction with the MAGnut.
Remember folks, this was just a joke. You can't buy any of these things, no matter how much you may want them... ;-)
Thanks to Chris Ingham for this joke.