Squirrel Philosophy - A Comparison of Squirrel Philosophical Theories in the Late 20th Century

• Capitalist Squirrels - He who dies with the most nuts, wins.
• Hari Krishna Squirrels - He who plays with the most nuts, wins.
• Catholic Squirrels - He who denies himself the most nuts, wins.
• Anglican Squirrels - They were our nuts first.
• Greek Orthodox Squirrels - No, they were OURS first.
• Atheist Squirrels - There is no nut maker.
• Polytheist Squirrels - There are many nut makers.
• Church of Christ Scientist Squirrels - We are the nuts.
• Communist Squirrels - Everyone gets the same number of nuts.
• Bahai Squirrels - All nuts are just fine with us.
• Taoist Squirrels - The pecan is as important as the almond.
• Mormon Squirrels - Every boy squirrel can have as many nuts as he wants.
• 7th day Adventist Squirrels - He who plays with his nuts on Sabbath, loses.
• Southern Baptist Squirrels - If your nut is a Disney product, you have a one-way ticket to hell.
• Jehovah's Witness Squirrels - He who sells the most nuts door-to-door, wins.
• Pentecostal Squirrels - He whose nuts can talk, wins.
• Existential Squirrels - Nuts are a figment of your imagination.
• Confucian Squirrels - Once a nut is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.
• Non-denominationalism Squirrels - We don't care where the nuts came from, let's just play with them.
• Agnostic Squirrels - It is not possible to know whether nuts make a bit of difference.
• Unitarian Universalist Squirrels - We still haven't decided if the nuts exist.